Well, this was a long time coming... A human bean on my profile told me to make a post on Greek myths, so here are my five favourites :) If you've got a sweet spot for some of the oldest Western stories our stupid species has to offer, then grab some snacks and take a seat. Also, sorry if your favourite version of any of these myths isn't included, but there are infinite versions to pretty much every myth out there. I'll be using the ones I personally identify as the most logical.
Rules:
-I won't be featuring any NSFW myths, even if I prefer them to other entries on this list (RIP origins of Aphrodite, Medusa)
-Some sections to certain myths will either be neglected or glossed over if they contain adult language/content
-I am allowed to use my own interpretations of featured myths, so long as I can justify said interpretations (I'm talking about you, Pandora)
-No myths that glorify Zeus, Poseidon or Aphrodite. I wouldn't want anybody to think they're kind or humane in any way
If even one or two people actually read this whole thing, I'd be happy to write more of my favourite myths :) Possibly not in as much detail though, this 2560-word post took me forever to type type type.
Rules:
-I won't be featuring any NSFW myths, even if I prefer them to other entries on this list (RIP origins of Aphrodite, Medusa)
-Some sections to certain myths will either be neglected or glossed over if they contain adult language/content
-I am allowed to use my own interpretations of featured myths, so long as I can justify said interpretations (I'm talking about you, Pandora)
-No myths that glorify Zeus, Poseidon or Aphrodite. I wouldn't want anybody to think they're kind or humane in any way
Abduction of Persephone
This is my favourite myth and the one freshest in my mind, and is very well documented in Demeter's section of 'Homeric Hymns' (£3.99 on Amazon, btw). It begins in the Underworld, where I presume Hades is sitting in an armchair in his throne room, head resting on his arm, wanting somebody to share his kingdom with. He couldn't befriend the Olympians, who were rich and lived lavish lives and wouldn't dream of spending an eternity in the Underworld. He couldn't befriend mortals either, who referred to him as 'Pluto' out of fear that saying his name would stimulate their own deaths.
Fed up with isolation, Hades took it upon himself to find somebody to share his eternity with. He confronted Zeus, who was nasty enough to permit Hades to abduct Persephone (Daughter of Demeter, Goddess of harvest, and both daughter and granddaughter of Zeus. Ew!) So, whilst Persephone was picking flowers in a meadow with various maidens, Hades disguised himself as a particularly large flower, and positioned himself close by. Persephone saw the flower and reached both arms out to pluck it, separating herself from her maidens. The earth split, and from the schism, Hades emerged in all the glory of his gilded chariot, and abducted Persephone (This is why he was dubbed "Pluto" by the way, it means 'wealthy').
Persephone's cries were loud enough to startle Hecate, who informed Demeter, Goddess of harvest, that somebody had taken her daughter. Demeter, who surprisingly for a Greek god cared greatly for her child, was stricken with depression and, failing to find her daughter, went to live alongside mortals, disguised as an elderly woman. A mortal offered Demeter her child to raise as her own, but when said mortal showed signs of anger after witnessing Demeter burn said child in a fire (not as bad as it sounds, she was trying to immortalise it), Demeter gets super mad and returns to her youthful form, damning the mortals for one woman's concern for her not heat-resistant child.
Great, so with the help of Apollo and Demeter's divine form, the gods manage to find Demeter! Just one problem; she is mad at mortals for some reason, and is willing to see them starve to death if Persephone is not returned to her. I suppose when you're the Goddess of harvest, you can prevent harvest from happening. The gods try, one by one, to lure Demeter out of her stubbornness, but she's adamant regardless.
Great, super jerk decides to get involved. Zeus orders Hermes to go down to Hades and insist that Demeter be reunited with her daughter. Perhaps Zeus just didn't care enough to go himself... Anyways, Hermes tells Hades what's up and Hades is all "Oh no! That's terrible!" and decides to give Persephone back to Demeter. Before handing her over though, he tells Persephone to eat a handful of pomegranate seeds (my best guess is four). Rule #1 of the Underworld is that if you eat its food, you become its property.
Demeter laments that Persephone will, one third of every year, have to return to the Underworld as a result of having eaten its food. But, she upholds her side of the bargain, which was to allow crops to grow if Persephone was returned to her. And, one third of every year, when Persephone was sent back to the Underworld, Demeter ceased nature until her daughter was returned to her once more. This is how Greeks explained the existence of winter :)
This is my favourite myth and the one freshest in my mind, and is very well documented in Demeter's section of 'Homeric Hymns' (£3.99 on Amazon, btw). It begins in the Underworld, where I presume Hades is sitting in an armchair in his throne room, head resting on his arm, wanting somebody to share his kingdom with. He couldn't befriend the Olympians, who were rich and lived lavish lives and wouldn't dream of spending an eternity in the Underworld. He couldn't befriend mortals either, who referred to him as 'Pluto' out of fear that saying his name would stimulate their own deaths.
Fed up with isolation, Hades took it upon himself to find somebody to share his eternity with. He confronted Zeus, who was nasty enough to permit Hades to abduct Persephone (Daughter of Demeter, Goddess of harvest, and both daughter and granddaughter of Zeus. Ew!) So, whilst Persephone was picking flowers in a meadow with various maidens, Hades disguised himself as a particularly large flower, and positioned himself close by. Persephone saw the flower and reached both arms out to pluck it, separating herself from her maidens. The earth split, and from the schism, Hades emerged in all the glory of his gilded chariot, and abducted Persephone (This is why he was dubbed "Pluto" by the way, it means 'wealthy').
Persephone's cries were loud enough to startle Hecate, who informed Demeter, Goddess of harvest, that somebody had taken her daughter. Demeter, who surprisingly for a Greek god cared greatly for her child, was stricken with depression and, failing to find her daughter, went to live alongside mortals, disguised as an elderly woman. A mortal offered Demeter her child to raise as her own, but when said mortal showed signs of anger after witnessing Demeter burn said child in a fire (not as bad as it sounds, she was trying to immortalise it), Demeter gets super mad and returns to her youthful form, damning the mortals for one woman's concern for her not heat-resistant child.
Great, so with the help of Apollo and Demeter's divine form, the gods manage to find Demeter! Just one problem; she is mad at mortals for some reason, and is willing to see them starve to death if Persephone is not returned to her. I suppose when you're the Goddess of harvest, you can prevent harvest from happening. The gods try, one by one, to lure Demeter out of her stubbornness, but she's adamant regardless.
Great, super jerk decides to get involved. Zeus orders Hermes to go down to Hades and insist that Demeter be reunited with her daughter. Perhaps Zeus just didn't care enough to go himself... Anyways, Hermes tells Hades what's up and Hades is all "Oh no! That's terrible!" and decides to give Persephone back to Demeter. Before handing her over though, he tells Persephone to eat a handful of pomegranate seeds (my best guess is four). Rule #1 of the Underworld is that if you eat its food, you become its property.
Demeter laments that Persephone will, one third of every year, have to return to the Underworld as a result of having eaten its food. But, she upholds her side of the bargain, which was to allow crops to grow if Persephone was returned to her. And, one third of every year, when Persephone was sent back to the Underworld, Demeter ceased nature until her daughter was returned to her once more. This is how Greeks explained the existence of winter :)
Atalanta
Atalanta is pretty inspirational, considering she's the original "tough girl" trope, before said trope infested almost everything and was only used to tick the one-dimensional "I'm not sexist, I swear!" box. Because Atlanta's royal father wanted a son, he abandoned Atalanta and left her to die. Fortunately, a maternal bear found her and raised her until she was old enough to make conscious decisions by herself.
A fireteam of hunters found Atalanta one day and recognised how tough she was, having been raised by bears and all. They decided to bring her along with them. Meanwhile, Artemis is upset because, like most gods, she wasn't given enough attention. She decided the only thing she could do was send the Calydonian Boar to destroy people's crops, attack civilians, and overall be a great big menace. Atalanta joined Argonaut Meleager on a quest to kill the boar, much to the dismay of his sexist companions.
Atalanta was the first to strike the beast, followed by Meleager, who finished it off. He gave the hide to Atalanta, to the dismay of his uncles. Meleager then killed said uncles because why not? But wait, there's more! Meleager's mother found out about the death of her brothers, and threw a piece of wood on a fire. This fire was soul-bound to Meleager, so when it charred, he died. Apparently a boar then killed his mother... can people stop dying for a minute, please?
Atalanta's father reconnected with his daughter after learning of her fame, and decided to repossess her and offer her up for marriage. Atalanta wasn't interested, so declared that suitors would have to beat her in a footrace to win her hand. There was one condition attached: any suitor who loses said footrace was to be killed by Atalanta herself.
After creating a garden of blood from her former suitors, Atalanta raced against Hippomenes, a man who had to cheat to win. Hippomenes had formally confronted other super jerk (Aphrodite) and asked for her help in winning the race. Aphrodite, disliking Atalanta's rejection of love and having apparently never heard of Artemis, handed Hippomenes three gilded apples to help him win the race (Huh, funny how she'd give away three gilded apples to a stranger when she'd previously started a ten-year war over possession of just one apple).
Aphrodite sucks. Hippomenes got a head start against Atalanta, and every time she caught up with him, he'd throw one of the apples as far from him as possible. Atalanta was overwhelmed by the irresistible apples every time, and ran over to pick them up one by one. Sure enough, Hippo boy won the race :/
The two of them got married, but remember how I said gods like attention earlier? Aphrodite was dissatisfied that she wasn't appropriately thanked by Hippo boy, so she... we'll just say, she made Zeus mad at Atalanta and Hippo boy, who subsequently turned the two of them into lions.
Yep, the original "tough girl" got turned into one of the deadliest predators in the animal kingdom. She also got out of that marriage that she didn't want to be in, so whether this was a punishment or not is up to debate. I like to think she went around the world slaying mortal deer or something for the rest of her days c:
Atalanta is pretty inspirational, considering she's the original "tough girl" trope, before said trope infested almost everything and was only used to tick the one-dimensional "I'm not sexist, I swear!" box. Because Atlanta's royal father wanted a son, he abandoned Atalanta and left her to die. Fortunately, a maternal bear found her and raised her until she was old enough to make conscious decisions by herself.
A fireteam of hunters found Atalanta one day and recognised how tough she was, having been raised by bears and all. They decided to bring her along with them. Meanwhile, Artemis is upset because, like most gods, she wasn't given enough attention. She decided the only thing she could do was send the Calydonian Boar to destroy people's crops, attack civilians, and overall be a great big menace. Atalanta joined Argonaut Meleager on a quest to kill the boar, much to the dismay of his sexist companions.
Atalanta was the first to strike the beast, followed by Meleager, who finished it off. He gave the hide to Atalanta, to the dismay of his uncles. Meleager then killed said uncles because why not? But wait, there's more! Meleager's mother found out about the death of her brothers, and threw a piece of wood on a fire. This fire was soul-bound to Meleager, so when it charred, he died. Apparently a boar then killed his mother... can people stop dying for a minute, please?
Atalanta's father reconnected with his daughter after learning of her fame, and decided to repossess her and offer her up for marriage. Atalanta wasn't interested, so declared that suitors would have to beat her in a footrace to win her hand. There was one condition attached: any suitor who loses said footrace was to be killed by Atalanta herself.
After creating a garden of blood from her former suitors, Atalanta raced against Hippomenes, a man who had to cheat to win. Hippomenes had formally confronted other super jerk (Aphrodite) and asked for her help in winning the race. Aphrodite, disliking Atalanta's rejection of love and having apparently never heard of Artemis, handed Hippomenes three gilded apples to help him win the race (Huh, funny how she'd give away three gilded apples to a stranger when she'd previously started a ten-year war over possession of just one apple).
Aphrodite sucks. Hippomenes got a head start against Atalanta, and every time she caught up with him, he'd throw one of the apples as far from him as possible. Atalanta was overwhelmed by the irresistible apples every time, and ran over to pick them up one by one. Sure enough, Hippo boy won the race :/
The two of them got married, but remember how I said gods like attention earlier? Aphrodite was dissatisfied that she wasn't appropriately thanked by Hippo boy, so she... we'll just say, she made Zeus mad at Atalanta and Hippo boy, who subsequently turned the two of them into lions.
Yep, the original "tough girl" got turned into one of the deadliest predators in the animal kingdom. She also got out of that marriage that she didn't want to be in, so whether this was a punishment or not is up to debate. I like to think she went around the world slaying mortal deer or something for the rest of her days c:
Eurydice
Eurydice was a dryad, an all-female nature spirit associated with oak trees. She was beautiful enough for Orpheus, possibly a son of Apollo(?), to fall in love with her. They were very ^.^ together, until their wedding day where Eurydice angered a viper and was killed by it. Orpheus was emotionally shattered by this, and sung tragic songs of her that warmed the hearts of the pantheon. He was advised to delve to the Underworld to convince Hades and Persephone to return Eurydice to him.
Hades and Persephone were touched by Orpheus' song, and allowed Eurydice to return to the land of the living on one condition: He's to escort her out of the Underworld by foot, without looking back at her. He's told that if he turns around before he's out of the Underworld, he'll lose her forever. Sounds simple enough, how could this possibly go wrong?
Orpheus nears the end of the Underworld, but his wife is awfully quiet... He convinces himself that Hades deceived him, and turns around. He sees Eurydice trailing behind him, before she's whisked back to the Underworld, forever lost in another world. Great job, Orpheus, you just lost her a second time! All you had to do was not turn around, and what did you do? You turned around, literally a few steps away from the exit!
Eurydice was a dryad, an all-female nature spirit associated with oak trees. She was beautiful enough for Orpheus, possibly a son of Apollo(?), to fall in love with her. They were very ^.^ together, until their wedding day where Eurydice angered a viper and was killed by it. Orpheus was emotionally shattered by this, and sung tragic songs of her that warmed the hearts of the pantheon. He was advised to delve to the Underworld to convince Hades and Persephone to return Eurydice to him.
Hades and Persephone were touched by Orpheus' song, and allowed Eurydice to return to the land of the living on one condition: He's to escort her out of the Underworld by foot, without looking back at her. He's told that if he turns around before he's out of the Underworld, he'll lose her forever. Sounds simple enough, how could this possibly go wrong?
Orpheus nears the end of the Underworld, but his wife is awfully quiet... He convinces himself that Hades deceived him, and turns around. He sees Eurydice trailing behind him, before she's whisked back to the Underworld, forever lost in another world. Great job, Orpheus, you just lost her a second time! All you had to do was not turn around, and what did you do? You turned around, literally a few steps away from the exit!
Judgement of Paris
I both love and hate this myth, the former because it sets up The Iliad, and the latter because Athena's character is shot in the head and trampled over for no good reason. Eris, the Goddess and personification of discord (not the app), wasn't invited to a wedding due to her habits of ruining everything she's a part of. Angered by this because gods like attention, she hurls a gilded apple, the Apple of Discord, through the entrance where it presumably hits Aphrodite's foot.
Aphrodite reads what's inscribed on the apple: 'Kallisti'. This means 'For the Fairest' (meaning it belongs to the hottest goddess). Hera and Athena see the apple and insist that it belongs to them, so the three of them confront Zeus and have him decide. Okay, pause, why would Athena, a virgin goddess of war and wisdom, care about an apple that declares her the hottest?
Zeus, not wanting to decide which of them he favours (Athena being his favourite child, Hera being his wife, Aphrodite being his daughter/aunt and the goddess of beauty), gave the decision to a Trojan prince, Paris. Previously, Ares and Paris had contested to see whose bull was greater, and Paris, without hesitation, declared his own to be inferior. Zeus respected this.
The three goddesses anxiously awaited Paris' decision. Okay, pause again. In some accounts of Tiresias, he saw Athena and was blinded because "no man" is "meant to see (her)". Why is she now willingly participating in a vanity show? I know the story is thousands of years old, but CONTINUITY!
The three of them decided to turn the vanity show into a bribing contest - PAUSE! Why do Hera and Athena care this much over a golden apple? They're goddesses, their sister is Demeter! Just ask her to make you an apple of your own! >:c I expect this of Aphrodite, but not Hera and Athena. Hera's the crazy wife who torments Zeus' love interests, and Athena's the virgin goddess of wisdom, the patron deity of Athens!
Anyways, Hera offered Paris Europe and Asia (Pretty sure Gaia may have something to say about that...), Athena offered immortality in combat through wisdom, and Aphrodite offered the most beautiful mortal on earth; Helen. Paris gladly abducted Helen, and Aphrodite received the apple that is never mentioned again. Aphrodite later threatens to painfully kill Helen when she shows the slightest bit of anger at being a lower priority to a goddess than an apple:
Taken from Book 3 of The Iliad with my pro photography skills. Keep in mind, Helen is in this mess because of Aphrodite, and her valuing of fruit over human life
I both love and hate this myth, the former because it sets up The Iliad, and the latter because Athena's character is shot in the head and trampled over for no good reason. Eris, the Goddess and personification of discord (not the app), wasn't invited to a wedding due to her habits of ruining everything she's a part of. Angered by this because gods like attention, she hurls a gilded apple, the Apple of Discord, through the entrance where it presumably hits Aphrodite's foot.
Aphrodite reads what's inscribed on the apple: 'Kallisti'. This means 'For the Fairest' (meaning it belongs to the hottest goddess). Hera and Athena see the apple and insist that it belongs to them, so the three of them confront Zeus and have him decide. Okay, pause, why would Athena, a virgin goddess of war and wisdom, care about an apple that declares her the hottest?
Zeus, not wanting to decide which of them he favours (Athena being his favourite child, Hera being his wife, Aphrodite being his daughter/aunt and the goddess of beauty), gave the decision to a Trojan prince, Paris. Previously, Ares and Paris had contested to see whose bull was greater, and Paris, without hesitation, declared his own to be inferior. Zeus respected this.
The three goddesses anxiously awaited Paris' decision. Okay, pause again. In some accounts of Tiresias, he saw Athena and was blinded because "no man" is "meant to see (her)". Why is she now willingly participating in a vanity show? I know the story is thousands of years old, but CONTINUITY!
The three of them decided to turn the vanity show into a bribing contest - PAUSE! Why do Hera and Athena care this much over a golden apple? They're goddesses, their sister is Demeter! Just ask her to make you an apple of your own! >:c I expect this of Aphrodite, but not Hera and Athena. Hera's the crazy wife who torments Zeus' love interests, and Athena's the virgin goddess of wisdom, the patron deity of Athens!
Anyways, Hera offered Paris Europe and Asia (Pretty sure Gaia may have something to say about that...), Athena offered immortality in combat through wisdom, and Aphrodite offered the most beautiful mortal on earth; Helen. Paris gladly abducted Helen, and Aphrodite received the apple that is never mentioned again. Aphrodite later threatens to painfully kill Helen when she shows the slightest bit of anger at being a lower priority to a goddess than an apple:
Taken from Book 3 of The Iliad with my pro photography skills. Keep in mind, Helen is in this mess because of Aphrodite, and her valuing of fruit over human life
Pandora
The titan Prometheus liked humanity, and wanted the best for them. So, he had Zeus decide between two piles of sacrificial offering: Edible meat concealed inside an ox stomach, and bones concealed by glistening fat. Whichever Zeus was to select, was what he would receive from humanity's sacrifices from then on, and whichever he didn't choose, humanity got to keep for themselves. Zeus apparently isn't smart enough to foresee the trick, so chose the disguised inedible products.
Zeus immediately explodes into a salty hissy-fit when he finds out what Prometheus had done, and takes fire from humanity as a punishment for something they had no part in. Prometheus is obviously bothered by the sight of mankind freezing, and starving from their inability to cook things. Thus, Prometheus stole the confiscated fire and returned it to humanity.
Zeus woke up the next morning to see that mankind had fire, and was like "WHAT!?!?" and decided to take this whole situation way too far. He chained Prometheus to a rock by the sea, and had an eagle rip out and consume his liver. Every morning, because he's an immortal titan, his liver would regenerate, only to be consumed again.
Think he's finished? Oh, he's just getting started! He has to punish mankind for something they had no part in again, by presenting a gift to Prometheus' brother, Epimetheus: Pandora, the first woman. She was constructed by Hephaestus using either dirt or clay, and was given a gift from each of the Olympians. For instance, Athena clothed her, Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo gave her a voice, Hermes gave her deceit and curiosity, etc.
Epimetheus, god of hindsight might I add, gladly accepts a gift from the tyrant, and accompanying Pandora is a jar (mistranslated to a box, hence "Pandora's Box" referring to the source of something terrible). Pandora opens this jar, and all sorts of evils spill out of it, such as death, disease, suffering, etc. Hope is the only entity that she was able to keep enclosed in the jar.
Interpretation time! So, I don't blame Pandora for this incident, but rather Zeus. In fact, it's the myth that initiated my ever-fueled hatred for him. First of all, he repeatedly punishes mankind despite them being extremely tolerant of Zeus' tyrannical actions. You'd think he'd be grateful at receiving a sacrifice at all, I mean it's been established that gods do not need to eat mortal foodstuffs; he literally has no need for the sacrifices he receives. Even if he did, Artemis is a hunter and her brother's a personification of the sun; if he wants food, he can get food.
Secondly, what a coincidence that he hands Pandora to the god of hindsight, the one god who won't question his motives until it's too late. He knew Pandora would open the jar, hell he was counting on it, else why give it to her, knowing that Hermes had given her a deceitful mind?
Lastly, Pandora was created specifically to damn mankind; if there was the slightest chance that she wouldn't do what she was created to do, Zeus would not have had her created. Who's really the evil one here, the girl who served a divinely-assigned purpose, or the tyrant who created a scapegoat to escape blame for damning mankind, just so he could continue to receive sacrifices that he didn't need?
The titan Prometheus liked humanity, and wanted the best for them. So, he had Zeus decide between two piles of sacrificial offering: Edible meat concealed inside an ox stomach, and bones concealed by glistening fat. Whichever Zeus was to select, was what he would receive from humanity's sacrifices from then on, and whichever he didn't choose, humanity got to keep for themselves. Zeus apparently isn't smart enough to foresee the trick, so chose the disguised inedible products.
Zeus immediately explodes into a salty hissy-fit when he finds out what Prometheus had done, and takes fire from humanity as a punishment for something they had no part in. Prometheus is obviously bothered by the sight of mankind freezing, and starving from their inability to cook things. Thus, Prometheus stole the confiscated fire and returned it to humanity.
Zeus woke up the next morning to see that mankind had fire, and was like "WHAT!?!?" and decided to take this whole situation way too far. He chained Prometheus to a rock by the sea, and had an eagle rip out and consume his liver. Every morning, because he's an immortal titan, his liver would regenerate, only to be consumed again.
Think he's finished? Oh, he's just getting started! He has to punish mankind for something they had no part in again, by presenting a gift to Prometheus' brother, Epimetheus: Pandora, the first woman. She was constructed by Hephaestus using either dirt or clay, and was given a gift from each of the Olympians. For instance, Athena clothed her, Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo gave her a voice, Hermes gave her deceit and curiosity, etc.
Epimetheus, god of hindsight might I add, gladly accepts a gift from the tyrant, and accompanying Pandora is a jar (mistranslated to a box, hence "Pandora's Box" referring to the source of something terrible). Pandora opens this jar, and all sorts of evils spill out of it, such as death, disease, suffering, etc. Hope is the only entity that she was able to keep enclosed in the jar.
Interpretation time! So, I don't blame Pandora for this incident, but rather Zeus. In fact, it's the myth that initiated my ever-fueled hatred for him. First of all, he repeatedly punishes mankind despite them being extremely tolerant of Zeus' tyrannical actions. You'd think he'd be grateful at receiving a sacrifice at all, I mean it's been established that gods do not need to eat mortal foodstuffs; he literally has no need for the sacrifices he receives. Even if he did, Artemis is a hunter and her brother's a personification of the sun; if he wants food, he can get food.
Secondly, what a coincidence that he hands Pandora to the god of hindsight, the one god who won't question his motives until it's too late. He knew Pandora would open the jar, hell he was counting on it, else why give it to her, knowing that Hermes had given her a deceitful mind?
Lastly, Pandora was created specifically to damn mankind; if there was the slightest chance that she wouldn't do what she was created to do, Zeus would not have had her created. Who's really the evil one here, the girl who served a divinely-assigned purpose, or the tyrant who created a scapegoat to escape blame for damning mankind, just so he could continue to receive sacrifices that he didn't need?
If even one or two people actually read this whole thing, I'd be happy to write more of my favourite myths :) Possibly not in as much detail though, this 2560-word post took me forever to type type type.
