Hellooo and welcome to my Terrible Tutorial, wherein I go over the basics to becoming a Helper Wannabe. This guide is tailored towards beginners who have little to no experience, however I hope that even the most hardcore wannabes out there can still learn a thing or two. Let's begin.
What is a Helper Wannabe?
So that we are all on the same page, it is important we define exactly what a helper wannabe is. A helper wannabe is somebody who has made their account specifically to increase their chances of being a helper. Their activity on the forums will be tailored towards making themselves look like the ideal staff member, and yet they have very little interest in the server itself or its integrity. Contrary to popular belief, it is not your average user who applies for staff or who messages staff members every now and then. Helper wannabes go beyond reasonable circumstances to get noticed by the staff team, to the point where they might annoy other users or even the people they so wondrously idolise.
A few telling signs of a wannabe are:
-Replying to calls for help despite a sufficient number of replies already existing
-Posting in an overly professional way, as if trying to emulate the representation of a company
-Grossly obsessing over staff members, particularly those of upper management. This might include tagging them repeatedly when unnecessary, commenting on their every status update, and following them and/or requesting a follow
-Putting their successful report number in their signature, and especially having dedication to frequently update it
Please note that any one of these things does not make a helper wannabe; the average wannabe will exhibit every single one of these telling signs, usually to the frustration of those around them.
Starting out
The best way to define yourself as a helper wannabe from the get-go is to give yourself what I'm going to call a "Mary Sue name". This is a name that overly emphasises your helpfulness in a way which is highly unnecessary and clearly not how you would choose to label yourself outside of Minecraft. Such names might include @TheHackerNightmare, @IHelpYouModerate and @TooKindForMyOwnGood.
It also seriously helps to include an eye-catching profile picture, one which is distinct from all the rest. When you tag StorySays to confirm all the helpful stuff you just posted, you want him to remember your face. When you tag Efcluke94 to show him your pixel-art of the staff team, you bet your fluffiest pillow you want your name to echo in his dreams. Here is a rough mock-up example of a profile picture you might consider using:
As you can see, it features everything a wannabe might need: You have Runescape3's Mod Mark, an idol of wondrous hope in the game, wishing on a shootingstar Moderator label. Now, many people believe that you shouldn't make it blatantly obvious that you want to be staff. This is wrong! If you don't make it clear enough, then the staff team might not think you are truly dedicated to the cause. What you should be avoiding, is being called out for trying too hard. This leads us onto what I call the "I'm just trying to make the server a better place" defence.
The "I'm Just Trying to Make the Server Better" Defence
If you are reckless in your steps to becoming a wannabe, then you are going to be accused of being a wannabe at some point. This is BAD! If staff think you are trying too hard, then they'll consider you ineligible for the role because they'll grow suspicious of your intentions. But fear not my fellow wannabes, because there is a sure-fire way to counteract this.
If by tragic circumstance you are called a wannabe, the best thing you can do is ignore it and hope your bully leaves you alone. If it happened on an obscure profile, avoid drawing attention to it and tread lightly until the terribly toxic user is eventually banned from the forums. However, if it happens on a staff member's profile, you need to act fast and whip out the "I'm just trying to make the server better" card. if you say this, you are effectively doing two things:
-You are assuring the staff members overlooking the situation that you do care about the server
-You are making the wannabe-cusator the bad guy. After all, they're complaining that you are making the server better. So what, they don't want the server to improve? Then they must be nothing but a hater! This will make you look great in comparison
Statuses
Statuses are a very important part of becoming a helper wannabe. I have attached the average user's sidebar as a thumbnail above. As you can see, the five most recent statuses are exposed for everybody online to see. Use this to your advantage: The second you see there are a large number of staff online, you want to flood the recent statuses list with your helpful insights and positive outlooks.
Use your "You want to know who is special? Read the first word" line that you found in a YouTube comment.
Use that "Thanks SnowyWarz for being so great all the time! We all love you, wonderful moderator!" comment you've been saving for some time now.
Don't forget to throw in a "I'm really sad to see you go! I just cannot believe you're really gone, you were so fantastic, I hope you have a good life!" whenever a staff member resigns. Get as emotional as you can. If somebody were to read it out of context, you want them to think the user in question has died. That is the level of emotion you need to elicit if you want the staff team to notice your loyalty to them.
Messages
You want to live in the support sections of the forums. Whenever a thread pops up that asks a question, you want to go into as much overly informative detail as possible, spewing hyperlinks all over the place like they were sprinkles in a bowl of ice cream. Also, remember to act professional! If you are going to represent a company, you need to act like you already are representing a company. All. The. Time.
Also, if somebody steals your thunder and replies to the thread before you, just ignore them and post your own reply anyways. You want to seize their spotlight by completely outperforming them; take everything they've written and turn it from a lowly Magikarp into a god-mode Gyarados.
Late-game
By the late-game of being a helper wannabe, you've probably caught a few staff members' attentions by now. This is the time where you want to truly kick home the point that you alone are the perfect fit for the staff team. You are going to want to write a full-on resume in your account's bio, just in case Quetzi stops by for a chat with you and accidentally stumbles upon itbecause you asked him to on another account.
By this point, your signature should be nothing less than a total number of successful reports, and a list of links to an assortment of helpful staff profiles and social media pages. Your account settings should be set so that only people you follow can comment on your profile. That way, you are filtering out all the totally toxic users who call you out for spamming the memes thread with "lol" and "nice" to boost to over 3,000 messages.
Your profile location should, by this point at least, also follow the "Mary Sue name" format. If your location isn't 'ReportLand' or 'HappinessForAll' then you are not getting promoted, because somebody else will probably have a more child-friendly location than you. Come on, do you really want @HackersGetStitches to steal your Helper rank just because their location was 'CubeCraftWins' and yours wasn't?
Seen a staff member in-game? Make sure to hit them a message, explaining that you are @HackerApocalypse37 from the forums. Better yet, say it in the public chat. That way, everybody will think you're close friends with the moderator. You also want to stand around them and follow them into games. Killing them will get you recognised, but for all the wrong reasons. You want to support them up until you're the last two players alive, and then you want to throw yourself from the highest building you can find. Let them know beforehand that you're going to sacrifice yourself, otherwise they might mistake your kind and generous gesture with a stupid accident, and decide you aren't good enough at the game to be staff. Also, make sure to rehearse your favourite Shakespearean tragedies so you can hit the right level of drama when doing it.
Post-game
Well, you've done it! Congratulations on making it this far, you are now an official Helper rank! This is unfortunately the hardest part of all, because now that you are a part of The Team, you need to find a way to avoid banning any hackers and muting any foul-mouthed rascals. Otherwise you'll falsely ban half the server, and management will realise that you don't actually know how to play Minecraft; you just wanted a pretty pink rank and all the Obsidian+ perks so your friends Sammy the Savage and Timmy-no-Thumbs will think you're top dog. Unfortunately though, I won't be discussing any ways to avoid doing your moderator duties. This is, after all, just a beginner's guide.
In my next Terrible Tutorial, I will be discussing the best ways to cook a really tasty bowl of pasta without burning the kitchen down. Also, Antarctica doesn't exist. The government made the whole thing up.
What is a Helper Wannabe?
So that we are all on the same page, it is important we define exactly what a helper wannabe is. A helper wannabe is somebody who has made their account specifically to increase their chances of being a helper. Their activity on the forums will be tailored towards making themselves look like the ideal staff member, and yet they have very little interest in the server itself or its integrity. Contrary to popular belief, it is not your average user who applies for staff or who messages staff members every now and then. Helper wannabes go beyond reasonable circumstances to get noticed by the staff team, to the point where they might annoy other users or even the people they so wondrously idolise.
A few telling signs of a wannabe are:
-Replying to calls for help despite a sufficient number of replies already existing
-Posting in an overly professional way, as if trying to emulate the representation of a company
-Grossly obsessing over staff members, particularly those of upper management. This might include tagging them repeatedly when unnecessary, commenting on their every status update, and following them and/or requesting a follow
-Putting their successful report number in their signature, and especially having dedication to frequently update it
Please note that any one of these things does not make a helper wannabe; the average wannabe will exhibit every single one of these telling signs, usually to the frustration of those around them.
Starting out
The best way to define yourself as a helper wannabe from the get-go is to give yourself what I'm going to call a "Mary Sue name". This is a name that overly emphasises your helpfulness in a way which is highly unnecessary and clearly not how you would choose to label yourself outside of Minecraft. Such names might include @TheHackerNightmare, @IHelpYouModerate and @TooKindForMyOwnGood.
It also seriously helps to include an eye-catching profile picture, one which is distinct from all the rest. When you tag StorySays to confirm all the helpful stuff you just posted, you want him to remember your face. When you tag Efcluke94 to show him your pixel-art of the staff team, you bet your fluffiest pillow you want your name to echo in his dreams. Here is a rough mock-up example of a profile picture you might consider using:
As you can see, it features everything a wannabe might need: You have Runescape3's Mod Mark, an idol of wondrous hope in the game, wishing on a shooting
The "I'm Just Trying to Make the Server Better" Defence
If you are reckless in your steps to becoming a wannabe, then you are going to be accused of being a wannabe at some point. This is BAD! If staff think you are trying too hard, then they'll consider you ineligible for the role because they'll grow suspicious of your intentions. But fear not my fellow wannabes, because there is a sure-fire way to counteract this.
If by tragic circumstance you are called a wannabe, the best thing you can do is ignore it and hope your bully leaves you alone. If it happened on an obscure profile, avoid drawing attention to it and tread lightly until the terribly toxic user is eventually banned from the forums. However, if it happens on a staff member's profile, you need to act fast and whip out the "I'm just trying to make the server better" card. if you say this, you are effectively doing two things:
-You are assuring the staff members overlooking the situation that you do care about the server
-You are making the wannabe-cusator the bad guy. After all, they're complaining that you are making the server better. So what, they don't want the server to improve? Then they must be nothing but a hater! This will make you look great in comparison
Statuses
Statuses are a very important part of becoming a helper wannabe. I have attached the average user's sidebar as a thumbnail above. As you can see, the five most recent statuses are exposed for everybody online to see. Use this to your advantage: The second you see there are a large number of staff online, you want to flood the recent statuses list with your helpful insights and positive outlooks.
Use your "You want to know who is special? Read the first word" line that you found in a YouTube comment.
Use that "Thanks SnowyWarz for being so great all the time! We all love you, wonderful moderator!" comment you've been saving for some time now.
Don't forget to throw in a "I'm really sad to see you go! I just cannot believe you're really gone, you were so fantastic, I hope you have a good life!" whenever a staff member resigns. Get as emotional as you can. If somebody were to read it out of context, you want them to think the user in question has died. That is the level of emotion you need to elicit if you want the staff team to notice your loyalty to them.
Messages
You want to live in the support sections of the forums. Whenever a thread pops up that asks a question, you want to go into as much overly informative detail as possible, spewing hyperlinks all over the place like they were sprinkles in a bowl of ice cream. Also, remember to act professional! If you are going to represent a company, you need to act like you already are representing a company. All. The. Time.
Also, if somebody steals your thunder and replies to the thread before you, just ignore them and post your own reply anyways. You want to seize their spotlight by completely outperforming them; take everything they've written and turn it from a lowly Magikarp into a god-mode Gyarados.
Late-game
By the late-game of being a helper wannabe, you've probably caught a few staff members' attentions by now. This is the time where you want to truly kick home the point that you alone are the perfect fit for the staff team. You are going to want to write a full-on resume in your account's bio, just in case Quetzi stops by for a chat with you and accidentally stumbles upon it
By this point, your signature should be nothing less than a total number of successful reports, and a list of links to an assortment of helpful staff profiles and social media pages. Your account settings should be set so that only people you follow can comment on your profile. That way, you are filtering out all the totally toxic users who call you out for spamming the memes thread with "lol" and "nice" to boost to over 3,000 messages.
Your profile location should, by this point at least, also follow the "Mary Sue name" format. If your location isn't 'ReportLand' or 'HappinessForAll' then you are not getting promoted, because somebody else will probably have a more child-friendly location than you. Come on, do you really want @HackersGetStitches to steal your Helper rank just because their location was 'CubeCraftWins' and yours wasn't?
Seen a staff member in-game? Make sure to hit them a message, explaining that you are @HackerApocalypse37 from the forums. Better yet, say it in the public chat. That way, everybody will think you're close friends with the moderator. You also want to stand around them and follow them into games. Killing them will get you recognised, but for all the wrong reasons. You want to support them up until you're the last two players alive, and then you want to throw yourself from the highest building you can find. Let them know beforehand that you're going to sacrifice yourself, otherwise they might mistake your kind and generous gesture with a stupid accident, and decide you aren't good enough at the game to be staff. Also, make sure to rehearse your favourite Shakespearean tragedies so you can hit the right level of drama when doing it.
Post-game
Well, you've done it! Congratulations on making it this far, you are now an official Helper rank! This is unfortunately the hardest part of all, because now that you are a part of The Team, you need to find a way to avoid banning any hackers and muting any foul-mouthed rascals. Otherwise you'll falsely ban half the server, and management will realise that you don't actually know how to play Minecraft; you just wanted a pretty pink rank and all the Obsidian+ perks so your friends Sammy the Savage and Timmy-no-Thumbs will think you're top dog. Unfortunately though, I won't be discussing any ways to avoid doing your moderator duties. This is, after all, just a beginner's guide.
In my next Terrible Tutorial, I will be discussing the best ways to cook a really tasty bowl of pasta without burning the kitchen down. Also, Antarctica doesn't exist. The government made the whole thing up.
