Hello CubeCraft sirs and pretty lady,
I am writing to you today to apply for the Helper rank. I feel it is my duty, as a loyal player as of December 2018, to stand tall over the vast lobbies, be it Free for All or that one game where you're on floating islands. I hope to discipline the people who play the game differently to me, eliminating bow-spammers and the like. If I could possibly divert your attention towards my location, I think you'll find it satisfactory. Indeed, your eyes do not deceive you: I live on the Isle of Hackagon, a landmass small in size but gargantuan in devotion and spirit.
Before we discuss my humble payment (I don't ask for much, don't worry!), I feel it is my duty to cover my suitability for the role. It is true I am somewhat of a legend in the Free for All lobbies, having successfully reported over five people in the span of only two weeks. Of these miscreants, I found four to be in possession of illegal modifications of the client variety, devastating my innocent compatriots (whom I deeply trust will endorse this application), with the likes of killaura and suppression of the knockback mechanic.
Furthermore, I have become something of a myth amongst the Parkour community. Their tales speak of a moving shadow, elegantly leaping between buildings and hanging from their peaks, scouting the streets below for ne'er-do-well's and disgusting cheaters who want to sabotage the game. That shadow? I'll let you in on a little secret: It's me. I am that phantom, who surveils the streets of CubeCraft watching, listening,
feeling for trouble. I am the pixelated superhero who rescued AnimalTamer from that team. I am the mysterious benefactor who donated $34 worth of Cubelets to Marco Slater. I am the helper you need to get this place back into shape.
Have you played The Legend of Zelda? You know the green dude you have to control? That's me. You know that really popular book series about the wizards who go to school and fight the bad guy? I wrote those books. You seen that show, Game of Throne? You bet your fluffiest pillow I helped write the script for the first three seasons. Don't believe me? Google it. You'll be pleasantly impressed. I do not make boast of these things lightly; I genuinely am one of the best people ever born. My mother even thanked me as she took me home from the hospital, and every doctor in that institution wept as she carried me away into the horizon.
Alas, the time has come to discuss my payment. Of course, I understand you typically offer the rank for free to any able-minded simpleton with the physical capabilities necessary to submit an application. It is, after all, rumoured that
@Sophie once held the Moderator status; indeed, a shining example of the low standards held upon the staff team. Her individual disgusts me, frequently mocking the like-minded and beyond capable like myself who aspire to become a helper to this brilliant organisation of entertainment. That being said, I intend to set a new standard for your typical staff member, one which greatly exceeds the capabilities of the current roster of moderators. I believe the asking price of $37.99 a week is sufficient, given the many policies I wish to erect upon this mighty gauntlet of a server. These include but are most certainly not limited to:
-Further monetisation of the server, including the ability to purchase unbans and unmutes. Even good eggs can have a couple of cracks in their shells
-Removal of excess island-based games. The one where you are in the sky should suffice. I have not played any of the others, but they take up valuable game spots that could instead be featuring 'Pictochat: Minecraft Edition', 'Build Battle', 'Eggwars', and perhaps a rhythm-based game surrounding the creation of music. That last one is still in thought development though and currently lacks a name. I'm thinking something along the lines of 'BlocksBanned'
-The early retirement of staff members who do not subscribe to my intense new training regime. I intend to militarise this server's moderation unit against the unrelenting legions of hackers, cheaters and miscreants. This will consist of ten laps around the Assassins map in the morn, and a spot-the-hacker regime at the immediate rise of dusk. This will entail me using hacks on my alt accounts and laying utter devastation upon the Free for All population, and the staff team having to try and identify the correct culprit within the allotted time. Excessive failure will result in termination without pay and a potential prison sentence (the police have yet to respond whether a prison sentence is possible, though they did seem very impatient with me when I called them to inquire. Something about wasting time, and real emergencies..?)
-Getting my friends Sammie the Savage and Timmy-no-thumbs jobs as part-time developers on the server. Just last week, they collaborated to develop their own Flash animation for their middle-school ICT project. Their teacher wept so hard on that stage she had to be escorted out of the building on a stretcher! Personally my expectations were not met, but regardless I believe they are sufficiently qualified
So thank you wonderful staff employees and pretty ladies for reading my humble and respectful application. I do hope you consider having me on board. Should you have any doubts, please refer again to my location as presented on my forums account. It should sufficiently demonstrate my ambition towards banning the shameful, disgusting, nasty, repulsive little hackers which plague our once magnificent server!
Signed,
-HackerApocalypse37 (Formally known as HypixelWins37, or otherwise HypixelEnjoyer12)
As endorsed by,
-JohnColes (He and I go way back,
way back. I saved his life. He was about to jump from a tall building on stream, so I booted him offline. A lot of people were unhappy that he couldn't demonstrate the new /fly command, but at least he lives to craft another day and it's all because of me
-Timmy-no-thumbs (IGN: SikGangstaBlud666)
-Sammy the Savage (IGN: HypixelHallMonitor)
(P.S. That image of me saying I want to become staff so I can leak information to Hypixel is stupidly false! If it were true, would I
really apply for the helper rank?)
Sophie talk: I know it's super long but don't worry, I wrote it out between Smash Ultimate matches so no excessive time wasted on this post. Went from 2M to 3.1M GSP with Palutena, was a good laugh. Also, AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
